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An adult or older person in a position of trust who uses that power to sexually exploit a child has committed incest, or child sexual abuse. The child was YOU - the other person may have been your father, step-father, brother, cousin, uncle, grandfather, a family friend or any other figure you depended on and trusted. What they did may have included anything from seductive behaviour (suggestive looks or remarks) to rape. How you felt and how it affected you are probably some of the reasons you are reading this.
Incest teaches us that we are meant to be used to meet someone else’s needs, and that we are powerless to change that fact. We are taught that our value lies in our bodies and that we do not have the right to say “no” to any adult. We are warned about “strange men” offering candy and instructed to take precautions to ensure our safety. The warnings rarely include descriptions of what might happen, or how to protect ourselves against someone we have been told to trust or respect. As a result, when sexual abuse happens, the victim may feel confused, ashamed, angry, guilty, helpless and/or alone.
To make matters worse, society has often pointed a finger at the victim - believing that children make up stories (or lie), or that they “seduced” the offender with their provocative behaviour.
Recent studies have shown that children rarely lie about sexual abuse. More often, a child will lie to protect the offender and save the family. When the incest is disclosed, the child may say they lie in order to stop the sometimes painful process of investigation and legal proceedings. Children are more likely to lie in order to get out of trouble, and talking about incest can create a lot of trouble.
In a child acts “seductively” there is usually a reason. Either the child has been taught to be overly sexual(by an adult), or the offender has interpreted normal childhood sensuality and curiosity as “seduction.” Both of these instances can be and have been used by offenders attempting to justify their actions.
Disclosure of incest, when it happens, usually occurs 3 to 7 years after the onset. By that time, many victims have acquired a “bad reputation”. In an attempt to cope with the situation the child my have run away from home, turned to drugs or alcohol, or had problems in school. Some children try to cope in other ways - by excelling in school, withdrawing from their peers, or regressing to “babyish” behaviour.
All of these coping mechanisms can be used by children trying to deal with a horrible truth - that they are being sexually abused by someone who should be caring for and protecting them. “Acting-out” behaviours are sometimes a cry for help. The may also act as a release valve for emotions we have been told are too strong or negative to be voiced. Expressing fear, pain, anger, guilt, shame or hate is seen as unacceptable especially for women and children.
Incest victims have no outlet for their feelings. There is no one they can trust or rely on to help them. When the offender is a family member, the pressure put on the victim to maintain secrecy is usually increased. Mothers may or may not know about the abuse, and they may or may not take action to stop it.
Families often encourage the victim to ignore or suppress their feelings. They may do this in order to avoid public exposure or to avoid confronting the offender with his/her behaviour because they feel powerless to change the situation.
In an attempt to cope with the reality of sexual abuse, victims may develop “survival skills”. The skills that were developed sometimes evolve to a point where they become self-destructive. Many victims of incest go from being seen as “victims” to being identified as “problems”. They are often labeled according to the symptoms they develop as a result of their abuse, such as depression, delinquency, schizophrenia. These labels deal with characteristics of a particular behaviour, not where that behaviour came from or why it started. Individual reactions vary, but you may find some of your own behaviours described here.
Memory loss often results when a child attempts to block out or forget traumatic events. A seemingly innocent memory may provoke feelings of anxiety or depression. You might feel afraid when you remember being tucked in at night but unable to pinpoint where the fear comes from. Or you might remember being in grade one, but not grades 2, 3, or 4. There may be a feeling of unease when you think of gaps in your childhood memories.
Pretending that it didn’t really happen is one way for a child to deal with a painful experience - in fact, it’s often encouraged by adults around them. At this point in time, the child’s sense of reality may become distorted, and the distortion can last many years. When the memories return there is usually an accompanying feeling of disbelief - did this really happen or is this a product of my own “sick” mind.
Recovering the memories may be helpful in the healing process. At this time you are probably better equipped to deal with the reality of the abuse than when you were a child. Telling yourself to “forget” it isn’t going to make it go away.
Chemical dependency works in much the same way as “forgetting”. Drugs and alcohol may be used to block the negative emotions we have been told not to have (or express). They help us to forget, or they make the memory of the abuse less painful by dulling our sense. It’s hard to think when you’re stoned and even harder to feel. Even prescription drugs can be used to block your emotions. While in some cases the use of prescription drugs is appropriate, in others they only serve to handle symptoms rather than dealing with the real root of the problem.
Cutting, burning or scratching are all forms of self-mutilation and are sometimes used to provide a physical outlet for the mental anguish victims often feel. We can usually get the attention and sympathy ( thus getting a “need” met) for our physical ailments that is not offered when we express our emotional pain. Becoming involved in physically or emotionally abusive relationships can also be a subtle form of self-mutilation.
Eating disorders (under or overeating), parenting problems and confusion or discomfort about sexuality are other behaviours that may have their roots in past sexual abuse. Developing any or all of these symptoms may act as a way to get help without revealing the real reason why help is needed. Sometimes it’s hard to see the connection between these behaviours and sexual abuse but when you think about when they started, the reason for them becomes more apparent.
Life-long patterns are not something that can be changed in a day. Learning about your self-worth, believing that you didn’t deserve or provoke the abuse and exploring new outlets for repressed emotions takes time. But it will result in developing a healthy self-image.
At the Sexual Assault Centre we used the term “survivor”. Many victims don’t survive and that is why we feel it’s important to recognize and acknowledge the strength it takes to do so. Becoming a healthy survivor takes a lot of hard work and it can be painful. One of the first risks you will have to take is talking about it. It will help but it’s just the beginning.
One of the first and hardest steps to becoming a true survivor of sexual abuse is talking about it. This can be a way for you to take some control - it never was your secret, it was the perpetrators. Victims often think they are responsible for their victimization. Offenders usually ensure this by telling the victim that it’s their own fault, that they deserve to be treated like an object.
If, as a child, you enjoyed the feeling of being special or the warmth and physical pleasure that sometimes accompanies sexual abuse (particularly non-violent abuse), you may believe that you “asked for it”. What you probably wanted was what all children want and need - love and nurturing. If you were forced to trade sexual favours in order to get what you needed, you may be stuck with feelings of shame and guilt.
The shame belongs to the offender. The perpetrator was older (more mature), and used their position of trust and made a conscious decision to use a child to meet their own needs. It is as simple as that.
