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Many women who have been sexually assaulted, especially as children, experience feelings of shame, humiliation, guilt, worthlessness, fear and severe anxiety. While these are normal reactions to sexual violence, often women do not experience them as normal and do not have loved ones who affirm these feelings as normal. As a result, many women try to relieve the inner pain of these emotions by self injuring. Many times, this self inflicted injury is done in secret and the physical results are not obvious as the injuries are inflicted on areas of the body that can be hidden by clothing.
This form of resistance to the sexual violence perpetrated against them is a method of regaining power and control over one's body - this power and control having been taken away by the perpetrator. The woman who develops this method of resistance uses it to divert her attention away from extreme inner psychic pain by inducing pain on her external body; to relieve this psychic pain by controlling the length of time and degree of pain administered to her body; and to confront herself by perceiving it as a form of release from the pain inflicted by the perpetrator.
Some women who use this form of resistance may not understand why they use it while others may have had memories awakened that pertain to sexual violence by changes in their life situations or particular events. Many times, a woman will self injure because of both memories of sexual violence that have been repressed and by more current memories of a recent trauma of sexual violence. Some women may use this as a way of relieving tension, rage or other emotions that have built up within them and they decide to hurt themselves before they hurt others.
There are many types of self injury that are used including tattooing by using a sharp instrument like a pin or needle to stick into the stomach, face, neck, arms or legs; slashing or cutting by using razors or knives; burning by using lighted cigarettes, matches or candles; drinking poisonous substances; excessive use of prescription, legal or illegal drugs and intoxicants; and reopening old wounds or beating oneself.
Other forms of self injury can include eating difficulties such as "bulimia nervosa", "anorexia nervosa", overeating and excessive exercising. Attempted suicide is a form of self injury that does not necessarily lead to suicide. While many women use attempted suicide as a form of resistance, most do not resort to suicide. While there are many emotions felt by women who attempt suicide, many are often overcome by intense feelings of terror, pain and/or self loathing. The intensity of these feelings invoke a great desire to "stop the pain", "stop the terror", and /or "stop the self loathing". For many women who experience this suffering, often it seems as if "time" is the only thing that does stop.
During this state, women may feel that there will never be relief, that these feelings will not diminish, or that this is what existence will mean until death. The belief that change will not happen and that these feelings will continue as intensely as they are being felt, is overwhelming and often unbearable. Therefore, the only reasonable and believable solution to this suffering is death by suicide.
While we may not wish to harm ourselves, most of us have formed habits that lead to this end. Society's practice of woman-hating often become our own habits. Since we depend on our habits to help us through terrible experiences, it is not surprising that often our habits do not "rescue" us from our suffering - but instead, lead us to self injury and sometimes suicide(eg. looking to ourselves to explain the violent behaviour of others; blaming ourselves for the violence perpetrated against us; using different methods such as excessive alcohol/drugs to "stop" our suffering).
The desire to end our suffering, however this might be accomplished, is ultimately the desire for happiness and self-love. Attempted suicide and successful suicide are reasonable responses to sexual violence and other forms of violence. While we cannot be responsible for stopping a woman from committing suicide(this decision in is right and we cannot control), we can continue to offer alternative ways that could lead to an end to her suffering. Our greatest responsibility to a woman we are supporting who communicates that she wishes to kill herself is to witness this great pain, to share with her as many alternatives that may end her suffering as we can, and to be an advocate for her by believing in her dignity and worth through our words and actions.
Ways to assist women who use this form of resistance: