I had a girlfriend who told me she was in the hospital for female problems. I said, "Get real! What does that mean?" She says, You know female problems." I said, "What? You can't parallel park? You can't get credit?"
-Pam Stone
"Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." She replies with "What does he think I am, a microwave?"
-Beverly Mickins
I was so opposed to nametags that once when a woman slapped a gummed label over my left bosom that said, "Hello! My name is Erma!" I leaned over and said, "Now what shall we name the other one?"
-Erma Bombeck
When this judge let a rapist go because the woman had been wearing a miniskirt and so was "asking for it" I thought, ladies, what we should all do is this: next time we see an ugly guy on the street, shoot him. After all, he knew he was ugly when he left the house. He was asking for it.
-Ellen Cleghorn
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off befor you give them to him.
-Phyllis Diller
A surprising number of men are alarmed by the thought of a witty woman. They think of women's wit as sarcastic, cutting, "ball busting". Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them.
-Molly Ivins
Seeing a lover who did not acknowledge her in public, she went up to him and said, "What's the matter, darling, don't you recognize me with my clothes on?"
-Tallulah Bankhead
When being chased around by a casting director, she tool out her "falsies" and handed them to her eager suitor saying, "I believe it's these you're after."
-Judy Holliday
Going to a male gynecologist is like going to a mechanic who doesn't own his own car.
-Carrie Snow
When talking about farting, belching, and scratching, she say her boyfriend complains that these activities aren't ladylike. She said, "Neither is a blow job, but he doesn't complain about that."
-Diane Ford
"You're sure, doctor? Premenstrual syndrome? I mean, I'm getting divorced. My mother's getting divorced. I'm raising twin boys. I have a lot of job pressure - I've got to find one. The ERA didn't pass, not long ago I lost a very dear friend, and.....and....my husband is involved........not just involved but in love, I'm afraid........with this woman.......who is quite a bit younger than I am. And you think it's my period and not my life."
-Lily Tomlin
"Mother, what is a Feminist?"
"A Feminist, my daughter,
Is any woman now who cares
To think about her own affairs
As men don't think she oughter."
-Anonymous
I was regarded as a good typist; at my high school typing was regarded as a female secondary characteristic, like breasts.
-Margaret Atwood
A young woman paying a visit to the lavatory was amazed to hear Talulah's unmistakable gravelly tones coming from the neighboring cubicle.
"Say, there's no toilet paper in here, do you have any in there with you?"
Receiving a negative reply she tried again, "Well do you have any Kleenex on you?"
Again, the reply was negative.
"Not even some cotton wool, or a piece of wrapping paper?"
A long pause followed the third negative, then there was the sound of a purse opening and a resigned voice came through the partition,
"Would you have two fives for a ten?"
-Tallulah Bankhead
When I got married, I said to my therapist, "I want to do something creative."
He said, "Why don't you have a baby?"
I hope he's dead now.
-Joy Behar
I stopped believing in Santa Claus at an early age. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked me for my autograph.
-Shirley Temple Black
Wanting equal rights is yesterday's news for me and other Black women, and jumping on the bandwagon behind a white woman hollering to get her equal rights wouldn't help my cause any. Hell, they forget we Black women built that wagon they're riding on, and I'll be damned if I'm going to push the wagon too.
-Julia A. Boyd
Men look at me and think I'm going to walk on their backs or something. I tell them, "The only time I'll walk on your back is if there's something on the other side of you that I want.
-Margaret Cho
First wives invariably think their husbands were lured away by hot tomatoes proficient and the kind of sex formerly banned in most states. One look at those desiccated bodies, the knees and elbows sharp enough to puncture a tire, might suggest that sex is that last thing on men's minds.
-Julie Connelly
I like men, God help me. Not that I'm a siren on a rock, I just like them, the way some women life cats and others hate spiders. I tried to explain all this to Eileen, but she tends to go a bit dim on you in areas. Sex, to Eileen, is basically what you do to avoid an argument.
-Ellen Currie
Another example is the tem glamour, whose first definition as given in Merriam-Webster is a "magic spell." Originally it was believed that witches possessed the power of glamour, and according to the authors of the Malleus Maleficarum, witches by their glamour could cause the male "member" to disappear.
-Mary Daly
Women's minds have been mutilated and muted to such a state that "Free Spirit" has been branded into them as a brand name for girdles and bras.
-Mary Daly
Moronized, women believe that male-written texts (biblical, literary, medical, legal, scientific) are true.
_Mary Daly
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, "I'll tell you something that you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you," never ends in a hug and a kiss.
-Phyllis Diller
If you want to seduce a woman, invite her over and cook for her. Afterwards, she'll sit on a couch and say, "I want to show you how much I appreciate that wonderful dinner....I love macaroni and cheese .....I just never had to slice it before...oh, maybe a metal knife and fork would be better......it's just so romantic eating over the sink. More? Oh, don't open a can just for me."
-Jenny Jones
You guys who went to Catholic School need to loosen up. This one guy said to me, "Am I the first one?" I said, "Yeah. Today."
-Jenny Jones
The next thing I knew, I was holding his stiff cock in one hand as he lurched back and forth in from of me. I felt as though I were an animal trainer trying to lead a recalcitrant baby elephant by the trunk.
-Lisa Alther
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Bonnie Januszewski-Ytuarte
We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone, and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's called monogamy. That's called civilization and its discontents.
-Erica Jong
When a male heckler called out "Are you a lesbian?" she immediately replied, "Are you my alternative?"
-Florynce Kennedy
When women began wearing pants there was a tremendous backlash. I can remember - I was still practicing the law at that time - going to court in pants and the judge's remarks that I wasn't properly dressed, that the next time I came to court I should be dressed like a lawyer. He's sitting there in a long black dress gathered on the yoke, and I said, "Judge, if you won't talk about what I'm wearing, I won't talk about what you're wearing."
-Florynce Kennedy
I'm thirty-six years old and I have no children. At least, none that I know of........
-Carol Leifer
A guy and a girl are in the front seat of a car adjusting themselves after a quickie. The guy looks a little uncomfortable and says to the girl, "If I'd known you were a virgin I would have taken more time." The girl looks back at him and says, "If I'd known you weren't in such a hurry, I'd have taken off my panty hose.
-Carol Mitchell
I'd met quite a few guys in restaurants with my box of toothpicks: it was a foolproof way to start up a conversation once I'd checked out what they'd ordered and how they ate it. The way a man chews can tell you loads about the kind of lover he'd turn out to be. Don't laugh ~ meat is meat.
-Gloria Naylor
It's so hard to be a feminist if you are a woman.
-Jane O'Reilly
At four I was madly in love with Alan Hirsch, who was madly in love with Cynthia Fishman. He played doctor with me but swore he would marry her when he grew up. At age four I was already the other woman.
-Gail Parent
The average sex act uses up about a hundred and fifty calories. Really, that is a fact. And you don't eat while you fuck. Therefore, the more you fuck, the less you eat. It's the best diet I've ever been on.
-Gail Parent
If God had meant for me to be religious, he would have alphabetized the books of the Bible. It was just too hard for me to find what I was looking for, especially if I was looking for it through a few glasses of scotch.
-Cathie Pelletier
This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have nay Cheetos left?" Like he can go over and lift up that sofa cushion himself.
-Roseanne
People say to me, "You're not very feminine." Well, they can suck my dick.
-Roseanne
It occurred to me when I was thirteen and wearing white gloves and Mary Janes and going to dancing school, that no one should have to dance backward all their lives.
-Jill Ruckelshaus
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children. . . . ." ~ they leave skid marks.
-Rita Rudner
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married . . . .and I didn't want him to.
-Rita Rudner
A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless. All a woman has to do is put you on hold.
-Marlo Thomas
If you have a psychotic fixation and you go to the doctor and you want these two fingers amputated, he will not cut them off. But he will remove your genitals. I have more trouble getting a prescription for Valium than I do having my uterus lowered and made into a penis.
-Lily Tomlin
I worry sometimes, maybe Bob has gotten too much in touch with his feminine side. Last night, I'm pretty sure, he faked an orgasm.
-Jane Wagner